A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
