I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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