My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
