I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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