I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
