I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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