every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
