You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
