Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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