how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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