Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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