You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
