If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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