I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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