I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sarcasm needs its own font
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
