I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
