You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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