I want to make a zoo with you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
