In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
