You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
