Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
