You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
