FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
sarcasm needs its own font
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
