I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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