His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
