Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
