Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
