I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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