physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is it penis luge time yet?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
