MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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