awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
