I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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