cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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