How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
