it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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