I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
