So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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