mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
How naked do you want me to be?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
