Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
