Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
