Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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