She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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