I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
