I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
