The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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