you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
