Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Someone shit on the floor
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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