I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
