i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
