did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
