Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
