so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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